“Ask any girl what she wants from a man, and she’ll say that beyond diamonds and morning sex, she needs to be understood.  We want guys to appreciate us, to listen to us, to just fucking get it - without having to hold their hands as we explain every thought and detail.” [1] And so begins The Joy of Text: mating, dating, and techno-relating by Kristina Grish.

How did I end up reading a book that establishes “hard and fast rules to help modern women navigate their love lives via technology”?  A book that “offers invaluable tips on how to analyze text, timing, and tone”… on how to “gauge his feelings without seeing his body language or even hearing his voice”? How could I not!?  The Joy of Text promised to be the secret playbook of the other team. 

The content did not, unfortunately, match my lofty expectations.  Surprise, surprise: girls look at grammar and spelling to make sure you’re smart and girls care about how long you take to reply to a message (and it varies from email to IM to txt).  Probably the most useful point in the book was simply that online ‘courtship’ is far different from online ‘relationship management’: that starting a relationship online is different from using technology to communicate with your significant other.

Anyway, here are my favorite quotes/takeaways:

• [Brilliant] He spends an hour crafting genius emails to women he woos - and an additional ten minutes inserting typos: “If the girl’s really busy at work or playing hard-to-get, I want to send the impression that I don’t have time to proofread my work and that I’m not focusing on her so intensely. I want to give the impression that I just zipped it off.” [Note: he transposes letters or repeats the last letter of a word … but he “would never use double negatives or typoe the wrong form of a word, such as ‘too’ instead of ‘two.’”] [36-37]
• [Wierd] Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. [39]
• [On drunk txts, which I would argue as just-as-bad as drunk dialing] There’s no good time to send a drunk text. … Unlike the booty call, in which your conscience has to talk to (and hear the plea of) a desperate partner, booty texts are sent without a spoken word. Your ears can’t cue your conscience about this bad idea, so your judgement is even more impaired. [44]
• [On not appearing desperate on IM] If you’re dyyyyyyying to send him a hello or confirm plans, don’t. Nobody who causes you this much anxiety will keep you happy for the long-term.  … Stare longingly at his avatar, if you must. He can’t see you drool. [48]
• [This is getting complicated] If you must abruptly bold from a group outing to meet a friend in need, a quick apology via text the next day clears up confusion. In this case, immediate text woudl say he was on your mind all night; a call would appear too anxious; and ignoring the situation altogether is disrepectful. Catching on? [51]
• [There should be a one-word term for the following] Personally, I flirt much harder over technology because I enjoy the rush of knowing someone wants me as badly as I profess to want him.  If I amp up my vibe, it’s twice as exciting to anticipate a response. The problem is that when my techno-persona says harlot, and my in-person aura says demure, my date’s virtual blue balls make him frustrated, annoyed, and confused.
• [I never realized this] Avoid “Take care” at all costs. It’s the ultimate kiss-off, best saved for the final ditch. [68]
• [I wonder if this is followed]
  If He: Waits until the day-of to ask you out via email or txt …
  Then You: Accept, but only if he gives good reason … and if you’ve had three successful, planned dates already, which makes this a whim. If he pulls the move before you’ve been on great date #3, tell him you have [specific and enviable] plans with a “friend.” And then make some.
  Why It Works: Techno-relating lends itself to casual, last-minute invites because of its casual, fast talk and delivery. You can be relaxed without being too easy-access.  Set a standard about dating preferences before your fourth date, or he may fall into a lazy routine. [81]
• [Seriously, no guy ever gets his buddy to help him write his love letters for him.  That Kristina brings it up as a possibility makes me worried that women do it…]
  Change in font details … Unusual spacing that indicates a forward … Change in capitalization style … differences in spelling and grammar … change in email length … change in thought exposition … variations in phrasing and word choice … amended punctuation … variations in tone. [91]
• [Clearly had a personal experience…] In brief: socio-pathetic [sic] men hate leaving the house, assume multiple dating personas, and/or lack basic functional social skills.  They entice you to step into their life - despite the fact that they haven’t showered, shaved, or eaten anything by Cheez Whiz sandwiches for a week.  These men will chase you, flatter you, and yet never encourage live interaction because they’re nervous, reclusive trolls. They have trouble discerning between right and wrong, and the only persona a socio-pathetic dater puts out into the world is a false portrayal of himself. [102]
• [More fun comparisons]
  Shy: He’s too bashful to spoon, so his feet snuggle yours.
  Socio-pathetic: He asks you to sleep with your web cam on, so he can sense your presence.

  Shy: He dazzles you with quick wit over IM, but struggles in person
  Socio-pathetic: He dazzles you with quick wit over IM, and repeats each joke in person.

Finally, I’ll end with some truly good advice from Kristina: “Real relationships happen between real people - and techno-relating is a supplement to, not a substitute for, a solid bond.  If you want your relationship to thrive, make sure that neither you nor your guy dismisses the crux of what brought you together in the first place: common interests, mutual friends, similar goals, like-minded values, comparable sex drives, and so on. If your opposites attracted, then exploit those differences to their most satisfying ends.”

Actually, I’d rather end with some sillyness: “the five W’s of meet-up: Who’s coming? What should I wear? Where are we going? When do we show? Why didn’t you make a reservation?“

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